It's ok, let's talk

(Coldplay - Talk)

Talking openly and honestly with someone you trust, where you don't judge but try to understand, where there is respect, empathy and truthfulness concerning feelings and intentions, can enable people and their relationships to flourish beyond what is often thought possible.

Often, however, that doesn't happen: we play emotional games, we act self-defensively and we generally act in ways that create strife. So, which are your favorite ways of causing rifts in relationships?! Mine are displacement and stonewalling, but there are many others to choose from...

Globalization: "Everybody Does That"
Blame-Shifting: "And you do the same thing but worse."
The Victim: "I'm so good to you, and you treat me so badly."
Gas-lighting: "I was just kidding; Can't you take a joke?"
Entitlement: "You are the one who made me angry; You deserve it."
Denial: "I'm not angry."
Displacement: "Just because you had a bad day at work, don't take it out on me."
Guilt: "I work my ass off to give you everything and you can't even make me some tea."
Shame/Blame: "You are a human slug; you never do anything."
Stonewalling: "This is the way I am, take it or leave it."
Projection: "You think I'm stupid, don't you?"
Devaluation: "You really could lose some of that extra weight."

Actually, I am not proud to have used any, and it hurts to see any used. I really strongly agree with Dr. Bill Cloke's article (from whence these came) that "To not defend ourselves, but instead hear what is being said, and then be able to express our understanding through acknowledgement will beat a box of chocolates any day" (Thanks to Sophie's blog on being open for bringing my attention to this quote). Deeply connected relationships are so important in life, so, so valuable. For these understanding and compassion are essential, and these require openness and honesty. It may be difficult to understand and accept another, to be open to their views, and their criticism, but the benefits that are gained from this make life worth living!

I also believe that only through healing rifts in our own personal lives can the healing of the larger rifts between communities and between nations be achieved.

I know I have just as much work to do here as anyone else and so I am most grateful to all those who spend the time to listen to me and to understand me, and I hope that I too can return this gift to others.

Happy Valentine's day! (And happy non-Valentine's days also!)